There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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