Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
