I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
we're so committed to being not committed
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
