when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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