I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize