i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
