God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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