May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
