I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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