New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
