I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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