I got chris browned last night
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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