I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
