I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
