everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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