i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
