these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
