I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
