I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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