I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
