The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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