I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
