Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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