the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
