That's intense
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
