Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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