A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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