Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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