I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
