flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
