How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
