How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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