he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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