i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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