my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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