Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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