Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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