Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
