So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
