i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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