Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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