im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
