Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
