so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
