I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
