He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
