I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
