Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
