According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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