shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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