Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
