Where is the hickey?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
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