So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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