Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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