There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
