Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
