You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
