we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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