good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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