It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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