Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
