i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
